So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
