New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
