I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
