I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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