I met the friendliest cop last night
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
