I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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