on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my being single is dangerous.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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