i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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