Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
