It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
