my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
