theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.