dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.