cat food counts as protein by the way
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
