finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
