Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
