nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
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I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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