I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
