I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
