just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
