just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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