The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
