happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
