1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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