Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
