JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
