So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
