nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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