There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
