you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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