she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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