My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
