So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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