I puked a lego.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
