I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I need moral support for this bender
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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