so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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