it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
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blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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