So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
