I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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