it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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