there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
