please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
