what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
