Whod you bang
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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