I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
