hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
