My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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