We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
