At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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