you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
