Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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