Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
