we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
