***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
