SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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