wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
