just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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