I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
