Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
