your parents love me but you hate me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
