I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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