Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My cat gives me a boner
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
